The truth of names

"Well, I prefer Toan..."

One day, I decided that I didn't like my name very much. It was a long, long time ago, and the official reason is that it's too long.

In actuality, it's just because I don't like the name. Nothing more, and probably nothing less. Coming from me, it does sound rather foreign.

By way of introduction, I used to not know how to introduce myself in various settings. I suppose, if I want to keep my distance, I'll use my given name and that's the same for formal situations. Still... I have friends who know me only as Toan, and truthfully, I'd rather it that way. I can't say it's something I've struggled with, but it is something that I wonder.

I wonder what my identity is. I wonder how I should present myself. As a student, as a gamer, as a human being. What's relevant and what can I leave for later. I wonder who matters to me, and what I should tell them, and how much I should tell them.

And despite it all, I'm afraid. Despite how much I might trust them, I'm still afraid that if I tell them about myself - show myself in its entirety, that they'll misunderstand or....

Or what? You'll what?

I wish I knew.

In circles

Halfway through a conversation I tell him that I really just want a hug. That, I'm just... lonely, I guess. Even though I keep to myself, I suppose there's a difference between being alone and feeling lonely.

"Why, what's wrong??"

That gives me reason to pause.  When I'm busy or playing games, I don't pay attention to myself as much. There are more interesting things to be doing and well... unless I'm in need of attention because I'm hungry or tired, I'll just carry on. It's those quiet times on the train or the bus where I just... think. Just think. It's those times that I notice that sometimes, not everything is ok.

"Unexplained loneliness"

It's not quite true. But it's not quite false either.

"I'd give you a hug but well...internet"

I do a mental double-take. A year ago, I said the exact same thing to him, for the exact same reason.
 
I doubt he remembers.