A few things I was thinking about...

"Motivation?"

Few things.

I think, that if all my dwarves sorta just die off, I can reclaim it, and hopefully reboot some buggy immigration thing.

Maybe.

I really like the fort.

Or I could abandon, but that's no fun, and I'll have to redo the tree farm and stuff like that.

Now that that's outta the way...

Anyone know where I could buy like y'now. Wrist/Ankle weights?

They sound cool =D

More things...

I need to be more motivated.

And less....morally arrogant.

Or just arrogant.

Sigh.

Um...

Work... swimming carnival...

Oh, show of hands, who is going, and whatcha doing if you're going?

Or rather, vote on... stuff.

Etc. etc.

So much to do, and I... was just thinking about it.

And I don't know what to say, really.

Besides just do the work.. but I don't feel like I'm being effectual..mmm..

It's a tough thing to miss someone.

Just a thought: Kissing scene in 4U Eng. Yay/Nay? D=

I get ridiculous ideas all the time, I know.

........

I hope that was it.

Weights, 4U, Swimming.

Gosh...

I could........

There are so many possibilities.

"Alive isn't a sad word. It's only sad when it's over."

Um..

Yes..... I'll see what I can do.

Singing, Coding, Making a game for money... gosh...

So many possibilities.

Did I mention that churches scare me a little these days? Big, and scary and stuff.

Like a musty safe.

But it's probably not like that.

Um... something important... what was it.

Oh yes.

Eidetic Memory, Perception.

Two more ideas for 4 Unit.

Mm..

Hoping you guys are having a great time.

(Tutoring tomorrow)

Basically...........

"Run"

=D

Anyway.

I printed off my 4U first draft...

16 pages, and no double spacing eh.

I'll play with font and color and stuff like that later.

Probably just be doing maths and similar things like that all day.

Well, tomorrow that is.

And here's the other song.

I really like this circle for remixes.

It's really techno...dance? Though. So bewarned.

Um.

I have a lot of work to do, but I'm not really doing any of it.

I need to make a list, otherwise, I have no idea what to start on, and prioritising and...

I'll do that now, then go to bed.

It's 9PM.

I wonder what you're all doing.

Mm...

Have you wondered whether you're becoming a better or worse person?

Wonder what will happen in the next few years.

To be brutally honest, I'm scared.

Of myself mainly.

I mean, what if I can't keep an important promise.

Am I weak?

Have I been wronged?

Is there something I was supposed to do, but couldn't?

Swimming carnival is in a week, and it'll be the last one I'll participate in, as well as the first in...... 6 years, I think.

Free swim doesn't count, and even if it did, the last time I swam at Waves' pool was Year 8, I think.

But yes. Swimming.

I doubt I'll get anywhere, but I want to try anyway.

Do you ever get those times where you wonder if you're amoral?

I tend to think that I am, but people remind me that I'm not, and then I have to think some more, and eventually I come to the conclusion that I'm probably just really good at hiding the puppy kicking I do when no-one's looking.

Just kidding. Puppies are cute.

And they're so warm and cuddly.

In my wallet is a ticket from Spring Fling '10.

I remember that one.

Why I haven't thrown it out?

There is a certain sentimentality attached to various things.

And well. Important things in my life have to be kept right?

Even if they're useless now.

Even if they're just going to hurt me in the future.

It's important nonetheless.

I'm scared of a tomorrow where maybe I do something bad.

Maybe something....nngh.

Who knows.

I'm afraid that I can't keep my promises.

But that doesn't stop me from making them.

And I keep my promises.

Well, except that one time that I didn't but by that time, the person whom I had promised something had already, in my eyes degraded into something that isn't worth my respect.

Though, if you think about it, a lot of people tell me that... I guess, docile? And respecting.

Though I have to wonder if that's true.

I don't really think so.

I remember from recess that there was an idea to turn blog posts into stories.

And that's a fine idea, I think.

Remember that girl who turned her blog into a best selling book? I can't remember the Jap title of that silly drama.

Point is, anything can happen if you try.

Last point of today, I think.

I promised to make a bubble gun.

You know, the ones that "shoot" bubbles?

Realised today, from closer inspection that it's not air-functional.

Well, it is. But the "trigger" does nothing. It's just there for show.

The air is supplied by you blowing in the back.

I promised I'd make one.

So...

Basically, holder, air hole thing, and ring.

Three basic points.

But knowing me, I'll actually make a trigger so it does something.

Nnn.... I have quite a few projects hmm...

I want to try those UMAT past papers.

Sounds tediously fun.

Specifically section 2.

I wonder how empathetic I really am.

Or maybe, I'm just predicting from past experiences, and using patterns to see what people are thinking, or feeling.

Here's my guide as of now:

1) Have they lost something?
a) Then they're probably sad/angry/mad/frustrated.
2) Have they just discovered something?
a) They're in awe and shock.
3) New illness?
a) Shock.

Actually. I wonder if that's a good impression.

Ah, better try some questions.

I really hate those questions which talk about whether they're happy or not.

As if one could decide happiness from looking.

I don't consider myself to be happy.

Buuuuut, who knows.

And...

One thing... that I... oh yes.

Do you ever find that if you're given a few photos, you can judge what that person's personality is going to be?

Apparently it's something not many people do or can do... so I just wanted to know.

Probing the real, hm?

Basically, given a photo, decide what kind of person they are.

Things like:

Basic example: Long hair => Likes mess, lazy, doesn't really care what people think.
But the flip side is that maybe they're female, and longer hair means that they take more care with things, are interested in looks, and acutely aware of what people think about them.

So you take the entire picture as a whole, and just use your instinct, hm?

I might do an example if someone has a photo to show, but make sure you know the person, otherwise, what's the point?

Hoping you guys read all this stuff. I certainly will someday.

Maybe in a month. Or a year.

A realisation for a second time in a lifetime.

"Mmm.... true......"

I'm utterly incapable of writing happy stories.

SERIOUSLY.

I can't do it.

Just everything goes from Beginning => Some middle bit => DOWN THE MELANCHOLY FUNNEL => Bitterly Cold Ending

I'm not sure whether I should put the song about the ice fairy, or a song about existential crisis.

Mm...

What to do.

You know.

The easiest things in the world to do are those requiring practice.

Basically, linear relationship between time => proficiency.

When you actually have to think about your next move before you make it, and plan for a variable landscape.... it makes my head spin.

Basically, my problems are my creatives which I'm meant to be editing. I need a new pair of eyes on it though.

Ohhhhh, and.

There's another competition. Eugh.

I need to write for that.

And then another piece for AAA.

Aaaaaaaaand somehow between that and work and assignments.... god I need to do more work.

Well, between all that, I imagine I'll be running DF in the background, and trying to play 70 hours of TF2 before July ends.

Maybe before my birthday.

Oh......

Speaking of birthdays.

For the past two years, I've had the same beautiful present, just with different people.

It's kinda sad, but it's also very exciting.

Though, more sad the more I think about it.

And perhaps, writing is what is inherently sad for me.

Because it is that sympathy which draws in readers, hm?

That beautiful present...

To be able to trust someone completely is without a doubt, the best feeling in the world.

Aaaaaaaaaah, here, have the not techno song.

Tomboyish Girl In Love.

Beautifully cold.

Goodnight.

Hoping to see you all tomorrow.

Hello, my name is....

"Yoroshiku."

2Unit eh.

Texts in time, you say?

What are we... Bladerunner and Frankenstein.

What are those little sausages called? Yum.

I remember watching a trailer for some dodge Japanese B-Horror movie. B-Grade? Whatever.

It was like, Vampyre vs Frankentstein, but with copious amounts of gore, sex appeal, and two girls fighting over a guy who is absolutely clueless.

Cute in an anime, but not so much in live action film with flying bodyparts (Franken-girl) and lots of blood-nyom (Vampyre)

It's like watching Meet the Gore (Gore edition, with extra blood).

And this is just the trailer.

Moving onnnn.

Do you ever get the feeling you're really lucky, but something's missing, and you know that if you remember it, and you have the determination, then you can grab it.

Or maybe that time where you really want something, but you've tried everything, but you still don't have it, but there might be something left, and you're not sure?

Or maybe you're just typing whatever comes into your head, and looking outside, and wondering what life will be like in 10 years, when you're married, and happy.

And you wonder if it's really true, that people get happier when they get older, that people who are sad are sad because they don't try hard enough, and it's their fault.

And whether it's true that suicide is just a phase, and people "grow out of it" and then people "grow into it" and it's a bit like pet rocks. Everyone says they're cool, but deep down inside, no-one really wants one.

And........... was there another beautiful... yes, there was.

Here you go.

Absolutely delightful, and this time, it's not a sad song.... Or is it?

In any case, the visuals are amazing.

What motivates you?

If you really think about it, money is a lazy way to get what you want; with every problem there's way too many solutions to choose from, and to buy is the easiest.

I think that's all I really wanted to say.

Oh and that if you think life is boring, then you're not doing enough.

Hoping you guys have a nice weekend, hmmm?

In A Night When Her Sorrow Resounds Around

"It's simply beautiful."

Maybe it's not to everyone's tastes, but I think it's quite nice..

If sad.

And you know me.

Sadddddness is obviously what I feed on.

Om. Nom. Nom. Nom. Nom.

Nyom.

Nyah.

Um.... yea, something I needed to say, but I can't remember.

Goodnight.

Hoping you guys have a nice weekend, mm?

Move! Schnell! Raus! Raus!

"Nngh..."

Well, ok.

So I'm basically rushing to get my ubersaw done.

Which, if I had more time, I'd actually try to find my PVA glue.

But I don't.

So crappy office glue will do.

And now to attach a vial of seemingly bloody liquid to it, and I should be done.

Oh and a nail that's meant to be the needle.

Hoping you're having fun making it too.

Been so long....

"So nice to see you."

I don't remember what that's from.

Wasn't kidding about bottling it up, I just don't feel ready yet, I guess.

Funny how the only person who truly understands me won't talk to me.

*sigh*

What to do.

Ah well.

Friday you say?

I think so too.

Hoping you guys have fun with your cardboard. I know I will be.

Wondering if I should have written "Archimedes" for my source on the problems with cosmetics

"Chem....Hmm... No time?"

Yea... they did something weird, and we didn't have time and...

I had a wall of text for every page except for the last page.

And for investigation B, they didn't say they washed it.

Ie; the reaction didn't take place.

Then they say the reaction took place.

Shoddy practices.

I wish they gave us more time.

Time to study physics.

M+G hm?

See you on the other side, I suppose.

Morning Pre Chem Test feelings..........

"Archimedes! No!"

I don't think I'll ever be ready for chem. It's a lot of memorising, and I know the key points, just the finer details may be a bit dodgy. TBH though, I should be fine.

I hope so anyway.

Unless they ask bullshit questions about something no-one's researched. Oh well.

Nuclear I know.

Chem of Art, I don't know so well.

But. It'll work.

So in short, I'm anxious about the test, because I'm not sure if I know enough.

But I probably do.

I don't want to do the test. But I have to.

But as soon as Friday rolls around, everything's open. Really.

EVERYTHING.

Believe it.

So I just need to get through this test, and the next 5.... wait. 4. 2Unit doesn't count.

A quick note on the song for this post; I wish I could play clarinet like that. Oh wait. Maybe I can try. Eh, later.

`It's a very emotional piece.

And so is 4U english.

I'm ready for all of the Maths tests, English..... That's it.

Why am I not ready for Phys and Chem?

Phys because I don't have the stuff printed out.

I hate research tasks...sigh.

Because when you think you know enough, there's more to know.

Oh well.

Hoping I do well.

The best praise one can give, is the praise of another's character.

"For whose sake does my bell ring? For whose sake does my blood flow?" - Oath Allegiance

I got a rather...well. Completely unexpected...portion? Of praise from a certain Psychic Brown.

And, it makes me wonder whether I'm a good person, a bad person, a jealous person.

"Fraught with tempestuous jealousy"

"La Douce Odeur De La Jalousie"

There was a writing exercise today. Yucky. Somehow, that has become a part of my lexicon. But it suits me. So I shall continue using it. It is, in a way, a new idiosyncrasy.

And Cathedral. I wish I could draw. Why is it that I can't?

Asyndeton. What is it?

Asyndeton - The omission or absence of a conjunction between parts of a sentence.

Perhaps I should tell Tea-English-Study-Partner that her use of the term is actually rather incorrect.

It's Greek. Did you know that?

Why am I thinking like this?

It's not like me, is it?

Who am I?

Perhaps I'm the robot people seem to see.

The new bag I have is stable, but also very uncomfortable. It is off balance, it has no one point of centre.

But I'll get used to it.

Both Tea-Study-Partner and Brown told me I have a natural talent for English.

Do I? I don't have the marks to reflect it.

I'm told I have a natural talent for Maths. But the marks don't reflect that.

I'm good at Physics. Where's the marks to back up that compliment?

Chemistry. Biology. Where?

Sometimes I wonder how people can write poetry. It is tough.

I haven't blogged in days, and what happens. The most tumultuous days of my life occur in this week.

Why?

I give up a lot of things, and instead, other parts of my life become complex.

It is indeed a wonderful life, but again, incredibly complex.

I have come to realise that one can never be honest unless they are an impossibly pure person.

And in comparison to the person I care the most about, I'm a very bad person.

When did I become like this?

When I'm asked a question, I wonder whether I should tell the truth, or lie. It's come to a point where lying seems like a better solution because that way, everyone is happy.

If everyone is happy, then the guilt I feel is negligible.

She told me that I'm weak; I want everyone to be happy, and that's impossible.

I was told by a good friend that I rely a lot on tone, and gesture. Perhaps....

I could turn this post into something good later.

Don't you dare say that it's angst.

Preempting any other response...

Writing is an exercise for relief of emotion.

It is nice to know that later, you can re-read it, and wonder how you've grown as a person.

"The day you stop growing is the day that you die."

"Neku, think about what's the most important thing to you, and then answer."

I got her angry, and then, I didn't know what to do.

Despite it all, I never know what to do.

Why do people think I'm a natural leader; I'm a poor leader.

Why is it that when I don't know, others have the answer for me.

And why is it that I can never accept their answer?

I'm rather calm right now; it's not hot, it's just warm.

Funny. I have a friend who goes by the name of Calms.

He's a Spy.

I have not played against Traitor for a while now. Last time I played, I wasn't a 77 Hour Soldier.

I wonder if he's still wielding "The Julia Gillard"

Perhaps he is. But if he is, I want to see how good he is now.

It's gotten to the point where it's a rivalry, but at the same time, it's not any challenge. Trump him in Maths, Chemistry, and English, though I'm guessing about English. Maths, I'm 100% confident that I have already.

So where does that leave me.

I wonder where the Year 8 days went, and I wonder what would have happened if I kept to myself.

Perhaps things would have turned out differently for the better.

I regret everything I've done in my life, but I can't change it.

And then I remember.

"If you can't change your fate, change your attitude."

And then, I think, why don't I play with an attitude of killing everything.

Why?

Kael, do you look forward to every game, and play with an attitude of "I'm going to crush them, whoever I'm playing?"

You have no time to size up your opponent, just to play the best that you can.

It's the same with TF2.

Neku, get a life.

But, this is my life.

I'm going to leave up this post for a while, I think.

Winterrowd-Teach used to ask me "Do you have a photographic memory, Neku?"

And I would say "I don't know. Maybe."

Now, I think what she thought was a photographic memory was in-fact just my retention of important details. Chances are, if I don't think it's important, I will have forgotten it the next day.

I can give you, with detail, the layout of the Women's College, and we can check it with the blueprints.

But I can't tell you exactly what you had for lunch yesterday.

Maybe that, combined with some sort of "good observational skill" is what makes me, me.

And perhaps that's how I learn concepts quickly.

I'm experimenting with an extrapolation of concepts from an story which will allow one to edit it, and change it in ways that will make it a tighter story. It reminds me of electronics, cooking and deck building.

The challenge is to find a way to beat an obstacle, given limited resources.

It's not good enough to deal with a problem by running away. I think I do it too much.

"Sympathy is not merely "to suffer" with someone; it is to take their life, and make it your own, for a minute, an hour, a year."

I don't think there's anything else I need to say, is there?

Goodnight.

Hoping you think about my life, and see how it applies to yours.