Fingers to keyboard (?)

Sometimes it's kinda hard to talk about certain things, and it feels kinda...weird to actually use pen and paper.

Like, it's sort of...rough? I feels different and not quite...fast enough I suppose.

Which is kinda bad, because then my handwriting speed's never going to get better.

And there are written exams in uni huh. Sigh.

Anyway, I'm coming to the conclusion that a lot of people get annoyed at me when I forget really small things they've told me before.

I get annoyed too when people forget things, but usually it's within a small timeframe - ie; something I taught them a week ago, or something I told them a few hours ago.

Not something I told them months ago.

I guess it's a small gripe, but it's really...irritating when people hold it against me.

I think there are only a few times I get angry, and either it's with people I love, or about conservative dogma, or just blatant injustice.

There's one person, and I have half a mind to never talk to them again.

But I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do.

I guess I'm always of two minds on anything, and it's...

Well, it's frustrating to say the least. Annoying's another.

I can understand the other side, but it doesn't make anything easier - it just makes it harder.

Sometimes I really wonder if some friendships just need to be given up.

[I don't like endings.]

What if life's just one big ball of regret, and that whatever you do, you're always going to regret it?

I dunno - I wonder about that and my own life, and it seems quite true, but that might be because I don't have the confidence to believe in my choices.

(inb4 great wall of Angst)

In a way, I think it must be nice to have that faith in your life.

Perhaps I'm too attached to somethings, even when they're bad for me.

Is it possible to be addicted to things that may have only been a figment of your imagination?

Also, completely unrelated (again), I noticed that whenever I'm angry, my language tends to become increasingly verbose. Which is kinda bad because some people might not understand, and that leads to one of two reactions. 1) I get angrier or 2) I sniff disdainfully, knowing (for certain, of course) that I have the moral and intellectual upperhand.

I feel like such a jerk either way.

Which is why I hate getting angry.

Sometimes though, the only way to get people to understand is if I start swearing. But that makes me feel like the lowest person there is. It probably shouldn't, but it does.

On another note, it's apparently been shown that venting anger via screaming/punching/etc. is cathartic, however it only reinforces aggressive behaviors.

Basically, venting rewards aggressive behaviors as "good", under the premise that you "won't do it to a real person, animal, robot, cyborg, etc."

But positive reinforcement is still reinforcement.

Which is of little consequence to me as I didn't vent anyway, but just fyi.

Another thing is probably that Allan Pease was right.

I believe there's a comment on that video that I need to reply to. Dang it - I forgot. ("No big surprise")

Also, if you haven't seen me on TF2, it's because I don't really have the passion for it right now. Perhaps not anymore. It's starting to become a point of sadness and frustration for me, and so is Dota (as expected).

Perhaps sometime I'll give up gaming altogether and do something "more worthwhile".

They say that you only remember the good moments, and the bad moments not so much, but it kinda seems as though I'm wired differently. Sure I remember the good bits, but the bad bits stand out so much more.

Like, because of certain circumstances, I now have a very strong bias against Texans, and for that matter, Americans in general. It makes me feel like an ass, again.

[For that matter, there are many, many flaws in American society, and that doesn't really help my perception of it.]

tl;dr, I'm a bad person, but I don't think you guys seem to actually care.

Which is a little confusing, because I don't think your judgments are wrong either. Which means I'm a good person, who believes their bad?

Or a bad person, who no-one sees as bad and thus is believed to be good?

Or a good person, who insists they're bad, but then realises that these are flexible terms which align towards society's morals and thus should not be used because they're stupid, and that instead, they should label themselves as stupid.

And then proceed to be outraged when they are indeed called stupid by others.

I kinda have a feeling I'll be a terrible doctor.

Like, if I have a really hard time letting go of silly, small things, and people who probably don't matter (but still want to hang onto them anyway), then how am I ever going to get over the death of a patient?

And what if I find out that my passion is paediatric neurosurgery?

:(

Or paediatric cardiosurgery?

Sigh. Parents say that "you get over it" and you just "learn to act professionally".

I wonder if I ever will learn that.

It seems as though I won't ever "grow up" or have a "maturity".

The worst part is that I imagine an opposite end.

That after a while, I just stop caring, and I "do my best", as accurately as I can and if something goes wrong, it's probably not my fault, etc.

I'm not sure how other people do it. Especially in other areas.

Maybe if transhumanism becomes a reality, I won't have to care about all this.

But then would life really be worth living?








[PS. This is probably way too long. I'll go to bed now. I was going to say one other thing... Whatever, I'll write about it some other time. Wow, it's 11:30.]

Night of Firsts (?)

"My daughter likes black people... only because of their big hair" - Auntie

"You mean.. the massive hair...?" *gestures* - Me

"Yes, exactly!"

- A discourse on tradition meets modernity at a Chinese Banquet in a Western society

Of course, that was all in mandarin.

It was pretty fun, ate some nice stuff.

I might have pictures later - it was my niece's (first removed, I believe) 100th...day..alive. Yea.

She's really small. And she had those jade bangles and bracelets and whatnot.

Those are cool too.

It was a pippies for entree (I think that's how you spell it), and then a platter of various things including abalone, pork ribs in that sauce and then red bean...soup(?) for dessert, with fruit.

Father says that you should never eat fried rice in restaurants, cause they get the rice leftovers from someone else and then cook it up for you.

Also, the same thing with reusing fruit.

And, lots of discussion about who's doing what and when and how fat and how pretty, etc.

Just your usual asian dinner..feast...celebration...thing.

Oh and lots of tea.

Tea's really good.

Oh and red packets from Chinese New Year I guess.

Hoping you guys are having fun.

Blood Tests

"HIV?"

Had the blood test yesterday, but I forgot to ask them to include my blood type in the results :<

I get the results on Friday and I'm not sure when I can remove this little bandaid on my left arm.

Also, I'm not sure if they'll let me know about my HIV status - something I probably should have asked too.

Mostly because I need to let the faculty know if I have that.

Further, I dunno which hospital to pick - there's St. Vincent, St. George, Price of Wales and Liverpool.

:<

They all seem kinda hard to get to.

Met a nice lady - 31 and she's in the robotics business.

Apparently, "designing an AI that thinks about butts all day so it can help fit women's jeans"

I was pretty skeptical too.

But apparently it's true, and I think it's pretty cool, even after a few "butt bot" jokes.

Who knew someone would actually design that?

Only problem is that she doesn't have any startup funding at the moment, which is lame.

I think it'll be cool to be in the workplace in the next decade - think of all the people you'll meet!

Hoping you guys are having a grand old time.

Checklists

"Urghhh"

:L

Checklistsssss - so much stuff to get done.

And I have a month to do it D:

And and, there's a paragraph which says I probably need to prove that I'm HIV-negative. But then I called, and the lady said I didn't need to do it, probably.

And I need to register at some Agency.

Sigh so much stuff...

On the flipside, I'm closer to actually starting uni.

And textbooks. Should I get second hand or new?

Hoping you guys are less busy I suppose.

New Year

"Happy Chinese New Year"

Or - New Year's Coming Soon [pinyin]

And, it was kinda fun, a bit of a long journey.

Better start advertising myself as a tutor though.

And, on the car trip we see a guy fully decked out in long sleeve and jacket and beard.

In 35+ degree heat.

Brother: He's like a rock star. They're always wearing a leather jacket.That's why everyone thinks they're hot.

And I got $10 from my cousins. But that's not the point.

Hoping you guys are having a great time and such.

Mornings

"41 degrees"

I think I'm visiting my cousins for new year. I haven't really seen them in a while, but it still feels kinda neutral.

I mean, I like them, but they're not all that close, I suppose.

Is that bad?

As for uni hopping, I might like UNSW better later, but for the moment it's still blech.

I still haven't eaten breakfast, but that's not so bad.

There's a level of anxiety which won't go away and I'm not sure why. It's pretty irritating.

Maybe it's cause I'm bored.

Sigh.

Hoping it goes away.

A return to updating.

"So here's what's been happening"

Been watching some of 820's first person commentary, but I don't think it's very interesting for the most of you.

I followed a blog by a PhD student recently, and it's pretty interesting with way too much stuff to read all at once. I suppose it's like bookmarking it but not really.

As for what I've been doing:

1) Preparing to study as a Physician.

2) Gaming (obviously)

3) Building a new computer

4) Trying to get money to finish 3)

5) Which means that I'll need to get my timetable first before I plan anything. I don't want clashes :L

Unfortunately, parents feel that I'm not doing enough to get a job - which I'm not, but clashes are ugly and I'd rather avoid it.

And lately I've been a bit irritable because...

I dunno. I feel irritable. Probably too hot. And a bit frustrated at home, which is ironic because I can't really get a job or such without having my timetable.

Sigh.

Catch 22 anyone.

Looking forward to the program, but not really caring much about the uni, the other people in my course (except if there's teamwork, which there probably will be - I hope the other people in my course aren't lazy or arrogant or...y'now. Obnoxious. But that's what interviews were for....right?)

I don't think I have much else to comment on besides how 820's a smoker [I think that's what he said] and then he goes on to say that "When you're my age, 23, 24, you realise the most important thing is your health."

It's all in mandarin, but it just sounds like a lot of my family. Is it an asian thing?

I don't want to write the pinyin, but if you know mandarin, you know the phrase "the most important thing is your health"

[btw, Dota/Dota 2 players should know who 820 is. He's pretty cool. I like his voice.]

I like the facial expression on the thumbnail.

Anyway, have a look at that - it's not mandarin, and it's hosted by Penn and Teller. If you don't know who they are, I hope you're willing to take a look on youtube at their magic [they're magicians].

Hoping you guys are having a great time

I think I'm addicted to "hoping for a new day"

[Coming soon~]

(Ie; too lazy/tired to post properly)

Dreams, Jealousy, New Foliage

"ATARs released 20th Dec"

It's nice and all to have HSC results, but where is the ATAR D:

I hope you guys did pretty well, I think I did pretty well until my parents decided they needed to have a look and shoot me down for it.

I don't care - I'm moving out ASAP.

I might change my mind after getting 2 jobs, but at this moment, I really just want  to not live here anymore.

It might be fine for someone else, but I guess my needs are different.

I don't really feel comfortable talking with my parents about 'anything'.

I guess the frustration shows, but I don't want to bother them, and it takes too much time to explain every single thing that's built up over god knows how long.

Maybe it's like layers of grime building and building. It's not really like rust because rust is more of a 'digging' force. You know, rust opens up more iron for more rust, etc. etc.

 I guess there's also driving to be learned but...

Driving's not really something I need at the moment - I'm happy enough to use trains.

Buses suck though.

I think it's another part of my parents' secret plan for me to get a girlfriend and probably married.

But then why are they wanting me to get braces now when my teeth haven't changed in years?

Sometimes I think they're not comfortable talking to me about things, but then why should they expect a superhuman level of initiative if they won't tell me when we're going out for something unless it's 1 hour beforehand.

And then they tell me not to leave things last minute.

I'm going to go do something else.

Hoping you guys had good results :o

Dusting off, however hard

"Who is Anne Frank?"

I wonder if anyone else knows.

I suppose people may be wondering what I've been doing - not much.

Finally started trying to organise that competitive TF2 stuffs

I do need a better computer though - it's kinda disappointing.

Honestly not too much I can really say I've done - I haven't gone overseas for holidays, and I haven't exactly done anything exciting.

Watched a lot of videos I suppose.

I really want to move out though.

It is horrible at home.

It might be fine for someone else, sure but it's not something I really enjoy.

Maybe that's my goal - to write enough to-do lists till that goal comes up and I can move out.

Maybe one day I'll look back and regret that I wanted to move out.

But I don't really care for that day.

Mm. I don't think I really want to say anything else today I suppose.

Good to see you all again.

Hoping you guys are having fun :o