"Hi, I'm Darith."
She was my partner for ward rounds, final year student at Uni Notre Dame.
Spent quite a few years working and originally trained as a commerce... graduate or something, I think, but ended up retraining as a doctor (obviously). Catholic, asian which is really a double minority in Notre Dame apparently.
Now where have I heard this before...
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
His name is John
I'd be lying if I said that this year would be different. The same routines from last year were certainly on my mind.
"Hey, how've you been? Haven't gotten the chance to catch up with you." He texts and it gives me pause. I was thinking about talking with him again, but what would I say? A close friend once told me that there was "nothing to say", so he didn't say much when I tried to talk with him. Granted, I was a little disappointed at the time, and a little frustrated but it didn't invalidate his view.
"I'm alright. Just have a headache. Otherwise pretty good." - I'm still unsure about whether I want to talk to him or not. Honestly, I'm a little suspicious but I don't mention it. I don't really think there's any reason he'd talk to me first unless he wanted something, right? At least, previous history tells me so.
"My anxiety levels skyrocketed so I can't sleep but I keep yawning." He tells me nonchalantly, though we both know that I'm likely to ask for elaboration. It's something of a nuance that we both share and understand, but I'm not sure it's a good thing. We both have mannerisms which probably, make us intolerable and presumably insufferable at times. It's a wonder we still enjoy each others' company, actually. Between this, we crack a couple of lewd jokes, flirt briefly and for a moment, it's as though we never stopped talking. Even so, I'm still a little anxious. I'm pretty sure I still harbor a reasonable amount of resentment, but I don't share negative feelings with the people involved - it's unacceptable or maybe, unthinkable.
"I'm already eating so crappy." He complains, knowing probably, full well what I'm going to say. I quietly remind him that it's not like he was doing much in the holidays so a change in diet is probably not surprising. He agrees, but feels like he needs to put himself to a "higher standard", whatever that is. Honestly, it's one of the few things I admire about him, though I don't really admit it. His weight's always been a sensitive issue, and it's a taboo subject much like the word "buddy" is, for whatever reason. It feels odd self-censoring, especially with my kind of humor, my dry wit. Pushing the boundaries is something I enjoy doing but at the same time... it hurts a little when I go too far.
Conversation eventually drifts to his current boyfriend, and it's also getting quite late. For once, I decide to tell him I'm rather jealous. He laughs it off, saying that it's only been two days and that it's not really working out at the moment. I suppose my tiredness gets to me, and I admit that I haven't really had the confess to a close-ish friend. I outline the situation fully and whilst I don't expect a response, I get one anyway.
"Wait what? Bull. You've been in so many relationships!" He quips, as though my extensive backlog of exes is supposed to mean anything. I explain that I'm scared the friendship will be ruined if I say anything, and right now, that friendship is one of the most enjoyable things in my life.
At this point, it's really late, but I'm still contemplating everything in the bath. My suspicions have been alleviated at this point, mostly as I realise that for someone who doesn't talk much to people online, he talks to me a hell of a lot (comparatively). Simultaneously, I wonder why it feels acceptable to even open up to him. He's stubborn, abrasive, immature and absolutely unreliable. By all rights, I shouldn't even want to talk to him.
When did it get to the point where we're each others' confidants?
I used to hate him.
"Hey, how've you been? Haven't gotten the chance to catch up with you." He texts and it gives me pause. I was thinking about talking with him again, but what would I say? A close friend once told me that there was "nothing to say", so he didn't say much when I tried to talk with him. Granted, I was a little disappointed at the time, and a little frustrated but it didn't invalidate his view.
"I'm alright. Just have a headache. Otherwise pretty good." - I'm still unsure about whether I want to talk to him or not. Honestly, I'm a little suspicious but I don't mention it. I don't really think there's any reason he'd talk to me first unless he wanted something, right? At least, previous history tells me so.
"My anxiety levels skyrocketed so I can't sleep but I keep yawning." He tells me nonchalantly, though we both know that I'm likely to ask for elaboration. It's something of a nuance that we both share and understand, but I'm not sure it's a good thing. We both have mannerisms which probably, make us intolerable and presumably insufferable at times. It's a wonder we still enjoy each others' company, actually. Between this, we crack a couple of lewd jokes, flirt briefly and for a moment, it's as though we never stopped talking. Even so, I'm still a little anxious. I'm pretty sure I still harbor a reasonable amount of resentment, but I don't share negative feelings with the people involved - it's unacceptable or maybe, unthinkable.
"I'm already eating so crappy." He complains, knowing probably, full well what I'm going to say. I quietly remind him that it's not like he was doing much in the holidays so a change in diet is probably not surprising. He agrees, but feels like he needs to put himself to a "higher standard", whatever that is. Honestly, it's one of the few things I admire about him, though I don't really admit it. His weight's always been a sensitive issue, and it's a taboo subject much like the word "buddy" is, for whatever reason. It feels odd self-censoring, especially with my kind of humor, my dry wit. Pushing the boundaries is something I enjoy doing but at the same time... it hurts a little when I go too far.
Conversation eventually drifts to his current boyfriend, and it's also getting quite late. For once, I decide to tell him I'm rather jealous. He laughs it off, saying that it's only been two days and that it's not really working out at the moment. I suppose my tiredness gets to me, and I admit that I haven't really had the confess to a close-ish friend. I outline the situation fully and whilst I don't expect a response, I get one anyway.
"Wait what? Bull. You've been in so many relationships!" He quips, as though my extensive backlog of exes is supposed to mean anything. I explain that I'm scared the friendship will be ruined if I say anything, and right now, that friendship is one of the most enjoyable things in my life.
At this point, it's really late, but I'm still contemplating everything in the bath. My suspicions have been alleviated at this point, mostly as I realise that for someone who doesn't talk much to people online, he talks to me a hell of a lot (comparatively). Simultaneously, I wonder why it feels acceptable to even open up to him. He's stubborn, abrasive, immature and absolutely unreliable. By all rights, I shouldn't even want to talk to him.
When did it get to the point where we're each others' confidants?
I used to hate him.
Monday, March 2, 2015
The return
"You look better this year." He says to me, seemingly amazed but I can't be sure because I'm not really paying attention - I'm still unpacking.
"Thanks." I chuckle, taken aback.
"No! I mean... you look happier. I just... put it in a really weird way." He splutters, reddening slightly. I swear he might be blushing but then again, he does get heated over trivial things.
"Ha. You mean "you looked like shit last year, but this year..."" I gesture speculatively, and finally look at him properly for the first time in half a year. He glances back at me and turns away, mock-disgruntled at my amusement.
Truthfully, I'm considering what he's said with a mixture of fascination and wonder. Maybe last year I was miserable. Honestly, maybe my depression was affecting the people around me more than I thought. I take some pride in keeping to myself because that's just... what I do.
I find myself staring at him again. He's not really looking at me, so I don't feel guilty. Reflecting on what's been said so far, I wonder the same about him. Does he look better this year? He certainly looks... a little different. I can't say I approve of his haircut - it's just a little too short for him, especially when he has dull copper hair on top, kinda like a halo. Tight maroon shirt, somewhat form-fitting and black jeans. Standard fare for him, really. So I'm not sure if he looks any different. But he feels different, for sure.
He looks nice. Yes, that's the word I settle on. Nice.
So why do I feel... off? The feeling I get between stolen glances at him and the other people in the room is a bit anxious.
If anything, I'm probably just... apprehensive. I more or less promised myself to not talk to him as much as possible, but at the same time, I'm relieved that we have classes together. Maybe I'm still bitter. Maybe I wish he knew.
I contemplate telling him about this, but at the same time, class starts and I have to put the idea away.
"Thanks." I chuckle, taken aback.
"No! I mean... you look happier. I just... put it in a really weird way." He splutters, reddening slightly. I swear he might be blushing but then again, he does get heated over trivial things.
"Ha. You mean "you looked like shit last year, but this year..."" I gesture speculatively, and finally look at him properly for the first time in half a year. He glances back at me and turns away, mock-disgruntled at my amusement.
Truthfully, I'm considering what he's said with a mixture of fascination and wonder. Maybe last year I was miserable. Honestly, maybe my depression was affecting the people around me more than I thought. I take some pride in keeping to myself because that's just... what I do.
I find myself staring at him again. He's not really looking at me, so I don't feel guilty. Reflecting on what's been said so far, I wonder the same about him. Does he look better this year? He certainly looks... a little different. I can't say I approve of his haircut - it's just a little too short for him, especially when he has dull copper hair on top, kinda like a halo. Tight maroon shirt, somewhat form-fitting and black jeans. Standard fare for him, really. So I'm not sure if he looks any different. But he feels different, for sure.
He looks nice. Yes, that's the word I settle on. Nice.
So why do I feel... off? The feeling I get between stolen glances at him and the other people in the room is a bit anxious.
If anything, I'm probably just... apprehensive. I more or less promised myself to not talk to him as much as possible, but at the same time, I'm relieved that we have classes together. Maybe I'm still bitter. Maybe I wish he knew.
I contemplate telling him about this, but at the same time, class starts and I have to put the idea away.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
New and improved
Small anecdote. Teaching a student, and they shrink a little at me setting a somewhat challenging math question for homework.
Told them.
"I know it's not easy and it's tiring, but it's probably the best way to improve. I look back and the times where I've improved the most is when I pushed myself. Cause I saw something interesting that blew me away and I wanted to know how to do it. The times where it's been stagnant are where I'm doing the same thing over and over without really needing to think much about it."
And then I wondered if public speaking wouldn't have been so hard in school if I just relaxed a bit more and stopped caring about what other people think.
-Toan
Told them.
"I know it's not easy and it's tiring, but it's probably the best way to improve. I look back and the times where I've improved the most is when I pushed myself. Cause I saw something interesting that blew me away and I wanted to know how to do it. The times where it's been stagnant are where I'm doing the same thing over and over without really needing to think much about it."
And then I wondered if public speaking wouldn't have been so hard in school if I just relaxed a bit more and stopped caring about what other people think.
-Toan
Thursday, February 5, 2015
Out and About
Went out for a haircut and tightening of braces. I also ended up with some ice tea haha. I mean, it was tasty.
A little expensive, but I can afford it so w/e.
Ended up having a conversation about homosexuality with my orthodontist and well, I guess his stance on it (him being what I imagine is Christian/Catholic) [One day, I'll actually remember the difference, but I digress].
It started with a discussion on healthcare provision though, cause I was curious as to how private and public provision differs. And then he mentioned something about how the majority of taxpayers were supporting "the gay lifestyle with HIV and so on". Which.. I gave him the benefit of the doubt on because of stereotypes and about whether being gay's a choice and so on.
What was intriguing to me was his insistence that people were "promoting a gay lifestyle" and that it was wrong as per his religious conviction, but also he insisted that he didn't pass judgment on others. It seemed a little ironic. He subsequently expanded by explaining that even if people mind their own business, it still affects the people around them - though I'm not entirely sure how.
I suppose, at the end it saddens me to be reminded that people have unshakeable convictions about things. That there is an absolutism which shapes interactions with people and ultimately, may result in less respect for an individual than is proper.
I guess the final part to mention went something like so:
>So if your son were gay, hypothetically. Would you prefer that they were married with a woman that they didn't love, or with their male partner that they loved (marriage aside)?
"I mean that depends on your definition of love. It's a fleeting thing sometimes - that you passionately love someone, and then someday they do something horrendous and you don't like them nearly as much. But eventually it comes back, I suppose."
>Well, assuming that the hetero relationship never, ever had that feeling? Temporary or no. As though they were just best friends or companions but not really... man and wife?
"Well in that case, if they're in a relationship that's not right, they shouldn't be in that relationship. That includes one in which they didn't have love for their partner."
>Hmm... though what if they felt pressured by society.. or you, to have a "normal" relationship/marriage?
"I would never... No, I'm not the kind of person to pressure my sons like that."
Cynically, I figured that parental approval is worth a bit to a lot of people and that unwittingly, there'd be a rather strong pressure to conform to expectations. I guess the easiest example is how my parents keep insisting on matchmaking me with any pretty girl they see who I talk with .-.
[To be fair, they don't know about my uhh... extensive history. They know about only one relationship, and I've been too resentful to tell them about the others. So I guess they just imagine I'm something or other and can't get a date. Or something.]
I guess I never really considered celibacy. I'm also not really sure how far to push a conversation like this, considering he's one of my healthcare providers .-. Also, without any assurance of confidentiality so... Eh.
The world's quite strange.
-Toan
A little expensive, but I can afford it so w/e.
Ended up having a conversation about homosexuality with my orthodontist and well, I guess his stance on it (him being what I imagine is Christian/Catholic) [One day, I'll actually remember the difference, but I digress].
It started with a discussion on healthcare provision though, cause I was curious as to how private and public provision differs. And then he mentioned something about how the majority of taxpayers were supporting "the gay lifestyle with HIV and so on". Which.. I gave him the benefit of the doubt on because of stereotypes and about whether being gay's a choice and so on.
What was intriguing to me was his insistence that people were "promoting a gay lifestyle" and that it was wrong as per his religious conviction, but also he insisted that he didn't pass judgment on others. It seemed a little ironic. He subsequently expanded by explaining that even if people mind their own business, it still affects the people around them - though I'm not entirely sure how.
I suppose, at the end it saddens me to be reminded that people have unshakeable convictions about things. That there is an absolutism which shapes interactions with people and ultimately, may result in less respect for an individual than is proper.
I guess the final part to mention went something like so:
>So if your son were gay, hypothetically. Would you prefer that they were married with a woman that they didn't love, or with their male partner that they loved (marriage aside)?
"I mean that depends on your definition of love. It's a fleeting thing sometimes - that you passionately love someone, and then someday they do something horrendous and you don't like them nearly as much. But eventually it comes back, I suppose."
>Well, assuming that the hetero relationship never, ever had that feeling? Temporary or no. As though they were just best friends or companions but not really... man and wife?
"Well in that case, if they're in a relationship that's not right, they shouldn't be in that relationship. That includes one in which they didn't have love for their partner."
>Hmm... though what if they felt pressured by society.. or you, to have a "normal" relationship/marriage?
"I would never... No, I'm not the kind of person to pressure my sons like that."
Cynically, I figured that parental approval is worth a bit to a lot of people and that unwittingly, there'd be a rather strong pressure to conform to expectations. I guess the easiest example is how my parents keep insisting on matchmaking me with any pretty girl they see who I talk with .-.
[To be fair, they don't know about my uhh... extensive history. They know about only one relationship, and I've been too resentful to tell them about the others. So I guess they just imagine I'm something or other and can't get a date. Or something.]
I guess I never really considered celibacy. I'm also not really sure how far to push a conversation like this, considering he's one of my healthcare providers .-. Also, without any assurance of confidentiality so... Eh.
The world's quite strange.
-Toan
Monday, February 2, 2015
Weekend is over
Ended up getting my jeans slightly wet as we removed our old bathroom vanity. There's a new one to be installed, but that's for tomorrow I guess.
Also made something pretty creative and cool. Can't wait to test it out. Will probably cost me about $25, but that's worth it.
Have I ever told you that nurses know everything.
Today, a nursing student told me that hospital beds have two functions for making it rise or lower. Two. Just in case one doesn't work. I had no idea. I thought it was just one - a remote that you press that does all of the funky work. Or if it's a really old bed, you manually adjust it using the rungs. It's kinda like old GP examination tables or something.
Still standing by: nurses know everything and doctors just talk to people.
-Toan
Also made something pretty creative and cool. Can't wait to test it out. Will probably cost me about $25, but that's worth it.
Have I ever told you that nurses know everything.
Today, a nursing student told me that hospital beds have two functions for making it rise or lower. Two. Just in case one doesn't work. I had no idea. I thought it was just one - a remote that you press that does all of the funky work. Or if it's a really old bed, you manually adjust it using the rungs. It's kinda like old GP examination tables or something.
Still standing by: nurses know everything and doctors just talk to people.
-Toan
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Days gone by
Kinda feel like writing again. Not sure what though. Fiction for sure. I never really had a knack for non-fiction. Non-fiction implies I'm good at something, I guess. Or have something relevant to share. Which I kinda don't.
I don't... I don't know what to write though.
Or what to write about.
Maybe it's just a pipe dream. I have other commitments anyway.
-Toan
I don't... I don't know what to write though.
Or what to write about.
Maybe it's just a pipe dream. I have other commitments anyway.
-Toan
Friday, January 30, 2015
Weekend
Uni's coming soon. Sigh. I don't want my holidays to be over.
It's not like it was getting to any sort of crescendo, but I'm just... not really looking forward to uni? I guess?
Though maybe I'll make more of an effort to see people.
I do believe I have lunch dates with people. Probably.
Except.... hospital 3 days a week. Man... I'll need to get some more nice shirts and pants I bet. Gotta go shopping then. Thankfully, there's plenty of fashion stores on the way to hospital (It's on Oxford St., near King's Cross) so I can probably pop in and snag some nice deals? Maybe? I remember shopping for hoodies once and it was kinda expensive. But at least the quality and the fabric were nice. So I can't really complain.
Actually, it might mean that I see people less than I do now. Oh well.
It's not like you actually needed me around.
-Toan
It's not like it was getting to any sort of crescendo, but I'm just... not really looking forward to uni? I guess?
Though maybe I'll make more of an effort to see people.
I do believe I have lunch dates with people. Probably.
Except.... hospital 3 days a week. Man... I'll need to get some more nice shirts and pants I bet. Gotta go shopping then. Thankfully, there's plenty of fashion stores on the way to hospital (It's on Oxford St., near King's Cross) so I can probably pop in and snag some nice deals? Maybe? I remember shopping for hoodies once and it was kinda expensive. But at least the quality and the fabric were nice. So I can't really complain.
Actually, it might mean that I see people less than I do now. Oh well.
It's not like you actually needed me around.
-Toan
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Hello world
Games are fascinating, particularly as a piece of literature. Shame it's sometimes hard to find the ones worth talking about.
Slowly working through my backlog in the leadup to uni time again. And finding that I wish I had more time.
Whatever.
Not quite sure which is more interesting, the story of an individual in extreme circumstances, or an individual that's supposed to be an everyman, in said circumstances.
Which is to say, I enjoyed Transistor more than I enjoyed Bastion and I think the story had a major part to it. Though the music and aesthetic is also nicer in the former. Friends are telling me I'm crazy.
I'm not so sure. I could make an argument, but I'd be uncertain about which parts are subjective.
I guess that's part of the charm of playing games - it's subjective and interactive.
-Toan
Slowly working through my backlog in the leadup to uni time again. And finding that I wish I had more time.
Whatever.
Not quite sure which is more interesting, the story of an individual in extreme circumstances, or an individual that's supposed to be an everyman, in said circumstances.
Which is to say, I enjoyed Transistor more than I enjoyed Bastion and I think the story had a major part to it. Though the music and aesthetic is also nicer in the former. Friends are telling me I'm crazy.
I'm not so sure. I could make an argument, but I'd be uncertain about which parts are subjective.
I guess that's part of the charm of playing games - it's subjective and interactive.
-Toan
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Wanderer
Somehow got roped into competitive gaming again. In a game that I quit something like two years ago and have only really been playing casually since. I guess now I have more commitments? Commitments to friends I guess.
I don't have that many commitments, but those that I do have... I'm not sure they're altogether important. A lot of the ways I spend my time is self-improvement in one thing or another, but usually games cause that's fun at least.
A lot of the people I know, are through games. Which... I don't know. I mean, in any given crowd of people, there are great people who I'm happy to be with all the time, and then there are the people you don't really wanna mingle with that much. I wonder what the proportions are.
In particular, there's this one person who I think is pretty neat with amazing qualities who fits in the former category and the above super-category. But I guess I value the friendship more than the chance that I'll mess that up. Honestly though, I'm not sure what to do.
It's not like I'm good at decision making. Maybe it seems that way because I'm not bothered with the outcome.
Usually.
-Toan
I don't have that many commitments, but those that I do have... I'm not sure they're altogether important. A lot of the ways I spend my time is self-improvement in one thing or another, but usually games cause that's fun at least.
A lot of the people I know, are through games. Which... I don't know. I mean, in any given crowd of people, there are great people who I'm happy to be with all the time, and then there are the people you don't really wanna mingle with that much. I wonder what the proportions are.
In particular, there's this one person who I think is pretty neat with amazing qualities who fits in the former category and the above super-category. But I guess I value the friendship more than the chance that I'll mess that up. Honestly though, I'm not sure what to do.
It's not like I'm good at decision making. Maybe it seems that way because I'm not bothered with the outcome.
Usually.
-Toan
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