Bildungsroman

"I saw a girl... woman... girl... today?"

At least, that's what my internal monologue is when I'm trying to summarise a patient case back. At what point do we stop being boys and girls and what-have-you and start being men and women and other more mature gender designations?

I wonder. I certainly don't feel like a man, whatever that is.

I remember people were saying that the HSC is the current coming-of-age but... it wasn't that bad, and I don't think I really learned too much from it all. (In terms of personal growth.)

Curious.

His name is Sean

Spent the morning playing Magic with some really good friends. I'm not sure that I could call them close friends considering all we do is play games, but that's how it is, right?

After lunch, I have a moment with him and I brace myself because deep down, I already know.

"Hey, I wanted to tell you... and I hope it doesn't change things but..."

He looks up from his phone, waiting for me with a raised eyebrow.

I look down, almost mumbling.

"I really like you and..."

His eyes widen a little, and he tilts his head slightly as if to say...

"I was hoping...?" I already know but I look up anyway.

"...I'm... sorry. But hey, still friends, right?" He smiles sadly at me before patting me on the shoulder in consolation and waving goodbye.

I'm not as disappointed as I thought I would be.

Besides, I already knew.

Her name is Sarah

"Hey, guess who?"

She messages me out of the blue, wondering if I remember who she is. Well, I guess cause she's using a different alias it makes sense but... how could I forget?

"Heyy, it's been a while. How've you been? Gods, it's been too long..."

Never really thought I'd regard her warmly but... c'est la vie? Truthfully, I was thinking about her somewhat recently, but I dismissed any real notion of talking with her. After all, what did I have to gain from it? Not much.

"Shit. First my bf breaks up with me, then my friends leave me one by one"

Well. That's a bit sudden. I... had no idea. That's my fault. It's so long ago, but I can't help but feel slightly responsible. Maybe protective. I thought after we moved on that she was happy with him. Even though I know I shouldn't, I keep talking to her. Talking through it, wondering how she's been, what's happened since we last talked, everything.

I mention a couple of things and fill in some details, but surprisingly she knew more about me than I had thought. Talking with her now... it's like way back then. Complete with flirting and all the rest of it.

I'd like to say that I'm more mature now. And I'd like to say that things have changed. But I'm not really sure. Deep down it still feels like I'm there for emotional support. Which in turn, makes me feel a bit guilty because I haven't been doing that out of jealousy.

Healthy

Trying to decide what I'm feeling.

It's honestly something that's on my mind probably more than it should be. Part of it might be that I'm also trying to articulate it as I go. Especially relevant as I can't decide if I'm grumpy or annoyed or have a genuine complaint about the new rotation I'm on.

For the next fortnight, I'm supposed to be attached to the rehabilitation ward (which is predominantly amputees, stroke and orthopedic patients). Unfortunately, I couldn't actually find a patient to talk with and it's... Well.

Back up a bit. What's wrong.

The morning was a debacle. I had no idea where I was supposed to be because of the rotation and one of the things I hate the most is not knowing what the rules are of anything. If you don't know the rules, you don't know how far you can stretch them. Which sounds counter intuitive but it's important to me.

Beyond that... I suppose that and my realisation that I could be doing so much more, learning so much more if I was at a different ward contributed to a final level of annoyance that caused me to just leave. At this point... I'm not sure if I care what the registrars think of my attendance.

Don't get me wrong, it's an important ward and an important job, but as a learning opportunity, it's... miserable at best, comparatively. My conclusion was more or less validated by the amount that I learned subsequently on a different ward. Maybe I'm just more comfortable elsewhere. Anywhere else.

Sometimes it's hard to tell if it's my depression or if it's just hunger or tiredness or distraction. Lately... I've had a lot on my mi- well. That's not true. There's always a lot on my mind, whether I like it or not. Assignments, personal relationships, my own health.

Who knows. Maybe I'll figure it out one day.

The truth of names

"Well, I prefer Toan..."

One day, I decided that I didn't like my name very much. It was a long, long time ago, and the official reason is that it's too long.

In actuality, it's just because I don't like the name. Nothing more, and probably nothing less. Coming from me, it does sound rather foreign.

By way of introduction, I used to not know how to introduce myself in various settings. I suppose, if I want to keep my distance, I'll use my given name and that's the same for formal situations. Still... I have friends who know me only as Toan, and truthfully, I'd rather it that way. I can't say it's something I've struggled with, but it is something that I wonder.

I wonder what my identity is. I wonder how I should present myself. As a student, as a gamer, as a human being. What's relevant and what can I leave for later. I wonder who matters to me, and what I should tell them, and how much I should tell them.

And despite it all, I'm afraid. Despite how much I might trust them, I'm still afraid that if I tell them about myself - show myself in its entirety, that they'll misunderstand or....

Or what? You'll what?

I wish I knew.

In circles

Halfway through a conversation I tell him that I really just want a hug. That, I'm just... lonely, I guess. Even though I keep to myself, I suppose there's a difference between being alone and feeling lonely.

"Why, what's wrong??"

That gives me reason to pause.  When I'm busy or playing games, I don't pay attention to myself as much. There are more interesting things to be doing and well... unless I'm in need of attention because I'm hungry or tired, I'll just carry on. It's those quiet times on the train or the bus where I just... think. Just think. It's those times that I notice that sometimes, not everything is ok.

"Unexplained loneliness"

It's not quite true. But it's not quite false either.

"I'd give you a hug but well...internet"

I do a mental double-take. A year ago, I said the exact same thing to him, for the exact same reason.
 
I doubt he remembers.

Double

"Hi, I'm Darith."


She was my partner for ward rounds, final year student at Uni Notre Dame.

Spent quite a few years working and originally trained as a commerce... graduate or something, I think, but ended up retraining as a doctor (obviously). Catholic, asian which is really a double minority in Notre Dame apparently.

Now where have I heard this before...

His name is John

I'd be lying if I said that this year would be different. The same routines from last year were certainly on my mind.

"Hey, how've you been? Haven't gotten the chance to catch up with you." He texts and it gives me pause. I was thinking about talking with him again, but what would I say? A close friend once told me that there was "nothing to say", so he didn't say much when I tried to talk with him. Granted, I was a little disappointed at the time, and a little frustrated but it didn't invalidate his view.

"I'm alright. Just have a headache. Otherwise pretty good." - I'm still unsure about whether I want to talk to him or not. Honestly, I'm a little suspicious but I don't mention it. I don't really think there's any reason he'd talk to me first unless he wanted something, right? At least, previous history tells me so.

"My anxiety levels skyrocketed so I can't sleep but I keep yawning." He tells me nonchalantly, though we both know that I'm likely to ask for elaboration. It's something of a nuance that we both share and understand, but I'm not sure it's a good thing. We both have mannerisms which probably, make us intolerable and presumably insufferable at times. It's a wonder we still enjoy each others' company, actually. Between this, we crack a couple of lewd jokes, flirt briefly and for a moment, it's as though we never stopped talking. Even so, I'm still a little anxious. I'm pretty sure I still harbor a reasonable amount of resentment, but I don't share negative feelings with the people involved - it's unacceptable or maybe, unthinkable.

"I'm already eating so crappy." He complains, knowing probably, full well what I'm going to say. I quietly remind him that it's not like he was doing much in the holidays so a change in diet is probably not surprising. He agrees, but feels like he needs to put himself to a "higher standard", whatever that is. Honestly, it's one of the few things I admire about him, though I don't really admit it. His weight's always been a sensitive issue, and it's a taboo subject much like the word "buddy" is, for whatever reason. It feels odd self-censoring, especially with my kind of humor, my dry wit. Pushing the boundaries is something I enjoy doing but at the same time... it hurts a little when I go too far.

Conversation eventually drifts to his current boyfriend, and it's also getting quite late. For once, I decide to tell him I'm rather jealous. He laughs it off, saying that it's only been two days and that it's not really working out at the moment. I suppose my tiredness gets to me, and I admit that I haven't really had the confess to a close-ish friend. I outline the situation fully and whilst I don't expect a response, I get one anyway.

"Wait what? Bull. You've been in so many relationships!" He quips, as though my extensive backlog of exes is supposed to mean anything. I explain that I'm scared the friendship will be ruined if I say anything, and right now, that friendship is one of the most enjoyable things in my life.

At this point, it's really late, but I'm still contemplating everything in the bath. My suspicions have been alleviated at this point, mostly as I realise that for someone who doesn't talk much to people online, he talks to me a hell of a lot (comparatively). Simultaneously, I wonder why it feels acceptable to even open up to him. He's stubborn, abrasive, immature and absolutely unreliable. By all rights, I shouldn't even want to talk to him.

When did it get to the point where we're each others' confidants?

I used to hate him.

The return

"You look better this year." He says to me, seemingly amazed but I can't be sure because I'm not really paying attention - I'm still unpacking.

"Thanks." I chuckle, taken aback.

"No! I mean... you look happier. I just... put it in a really weird way." He splutters, reddening slightly. I swear he might be blushing but then again, he does get heated over trivial things.

"Ha. You mean "you looked like shit last year, but this year..."" I gesture speculatively, and finally look at him properly for the first time in half a year. He glances back at me and turns away, mock-disgruntled at my amusement.

Truthfully, I'm considering what he's said with a mixture of fascination and wonder. Maybe last year I was miserable. Honestly, maybe my depression was affecting the people around me more than I thought. I take some pride in keeping to myself because that's just... what I do.

I find myself staring at him again. He's not really looking at me, so I don't feel guilty. Reflecting on what's been said so far, I wonder the same about him. Does he look better this year? He certainly looks... a little different. I can't say I approve of his haircut - it's just a little too short for him, especially when he has dull copper hair on top, kinda like a halo. Tight maroon shirt, somewhat form-fitting and black jeans. Standard fare for him, really. So I'm not sure if he looks any different. But he feels different, for sure.

He looks nice. Yes, that's the word I settle on. Nice.

So why do I feel... off? The feeling I get between stolen glances at him and the other people in the room is a bit anxious.

If anything, I'm probably just... apprehensive. I more or less promised myself to not talk to him as much as possible, but at the same time, I'm relieved that we have classes together. Maybe I'm still bitter. Maybe I wish he knew.

I contemplate telling him about this, but at the same time, class starts and I have to put the idea away.

New and improved

Small anecdote. Teaching a student, and they shrink a little at me setting a somewhat challenging math question for homework.

Told them.

"I know it's not easy and it's tiring, but it's probably the best way to improve. I look back and the times where I've improved the most is when I pushed myself. Cause I saw something interesting that blew me away and I wanted to know how to do it. The times where it's been stagnant are where I'm doing the same thing over and over without really needing to think much about it."

And then I wondered if public speaking wouldn't have been so hard in school if I just relaxed a bit more and stopped caring about what other people think.

-Toan