Fingers to keyboard (?)

Sometimes it's kinda hard to talk about certain things, and it feels kinda...weird to actually use pen and paper.

Like, it's sort of...rough? I feels different and not quite...fast enough I suppose.

Which is kinda bad, because then my handwriting speed's never going to get better.

And there are written exams in uni huh. Sigh.

Anyway, I'm coming to the conclusion that a lot of people get annoyed at me when I forget really small things they've told me before.

I get annoyed too when people forget things, but usually it's within a small timeframe - ie; something I taught them a week ago, or something I told them a few hours ago.

Not something I told them months ago.

I guess it's a small gripe, but it's really...irritating when people hold it against me.

I think there are only a few times I get angry, and either it's with people I love, or about conservative dogma, or just blatant injustice.

There's one person, and I have half a mind to never talk to them again.

But I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do.

I guess I'm always of two minds on anything, and it's...

Well, it's frustrating to say the least. Annoying's another.

I can understand the other side, but it doesn't make anything easier - it just makes it harder.

Sometimes I really wonder if some friendships just need to be given up.

[I don't like endings.]

What if life's just one big ball of regret, and that whatever you do, you're always going to regret it?

I dunno - I wonder about that and my own life, and it seems quite true, but that might be because I don't have the confidence to believe in my choices.

(inb4 great wall of Angst)

In a way, I think it must be nice to have that faith in your life.

Perhaps I'm too attached to somethings, even when they're bad for me.

Is it possible to be addicted to things that may have only been a figment of your imagination?

Also, completely unrelated (again), I noticed that whenever I'm angry, my language tends to become increasingly verbose. Which is kinda bad because some people might not understand, and that leads to one of two reactions. 1) I get angrier or 2) I sniff disdainfully, knowing (for certain, of course) that I have the moral and intellectual upperhand.

I feel like such a jerk either way.

Which is why I hate getting angry.

Sometimes though, the only way to get people to understand is if I start swearing. But that makes me feel like the lowest person there is. It probably shouldn't, but it does.

On another note, it's apparently been shown that venting anger via screaming/punching/etc. is cathartic, however it only reinforces aggressive behaviors.

Basically, venting rewards aggressive behaviors as "good", under the premise that you "won't do it to a real person, animal, robot, cyborg, etc."

But positive reinforcement is still reinforcement.

Which is of little consequence to me as I didn't vent anyway, but just fyi.

Another thing is probably that Allan Pease was right.

I believe there's a comment on that video that I need to reply to. Dang it - I forgot. ("No big surprise")

Also, if you haven't seen me on TF2, it's because I don't really have the passion for it right now. Perhaps not anymore. It's starting to become a point of sadness and frustration for me, and so is Dota (as expected).

Perhaps sometime I'll give up gaming altogether and do something "more worthwhile".

They say that you only remember the good moments, and the bad moments not so much, but it kinda seems as though I'm wired differently. Sure I remember the good bits, but the bad bits stand out so much more.

Like, because of certain circumstances, I now have a very strong bias against Texans, and for that matter, Americans in general. It makes me feel like an ass, again.

[For that matter, there are many, many flaws in American society, and that doesn't really help my perception of it.]

tl;dr, I'm a bad person, but I don't think you guys seem to actually care.

Which is a little confusing, because I don't think your judgments are wrong either. Which means I'm a good person, who believes their bad?

Or a bad person, who no-one sees as bad and thus is believed to be good?

Or a good person, who insists they're bad, but then realises that these are flexible terms which align towards society's morals and thus should not be used because they're stupid, and that instead, they should label themselves as stupid.

And then proceed to be outraged when they are indeed called stupid by others.

I kinda have a feeling I'll be a terrible doctor.

Like, if I have a really hard time letting go of silly, small things, and people who probably don't matter (but still want to hang onto them anyway), then how am I ever going to get over the death of a patient?

And what if I find out that my passion is paediatric neurosurgery?

:(

Or paediatric cardiosurgery?

Sigh. Parents say that "you get over it" and you just "learn to act professionally".

I wonder if I ever will learn that.

It seems as though I won't ever "grow up" or have a "maturity".

The worst part is that I imagine an opposite end.

That after a while, I just stop caring, and I "do my best", as accurately as I can and if something goes wrong, it's probably not my fault, etc.

I'm not sure how other people do it. Especially in other areas.

Maybe if transhumanism becomes a reality, I won't have to care about all this.

But then would life really be worth living?








[PS. This is probably way too long. I'll go to bed now. I was going to say one other thing... Whatever, I'll write about it some other time. Wow, it's 11:30.]