His name is Sean

Spent the morning playing Magic with some really good friends. I'm not sure that I could call them close friends considering all we do is play games, but that's how it is, right?

After lunch, I have a moment with him and I brace myself because deep down, I already know.

"Hey, I wanted to tell you... and I hope it doesn't change things but..."

He looks up from his phone, waiting for me with a raised eyebrow.

I look down, almost mumbling.

"I really like you and..."

His eyes widen a little, and he tilts his head slightly as if to say...

"I was hoping...?" I already know but I look up anyway.

"...I'm... sorry. But hey, still friends, right?" He smiles sadly at me before patting me on the shoulder in consolation and waving goodbye.

I'm not as disappointed as I thought I would be.

Besides, I already knew.

Her name is Sarah

"Hey, guess who?"

She messages me out of the blue, wondering if I remember who she is. Well, I guess cause she's using a different alias it makes sense but... how could I forget?

"Heyy, it's been a while. How've you been? Gods, it's been too long..."

Never really thought I'd regard her warmly but... c'est la vie? Truthfully, I was thinking about her somewhat recently, but I dismissed any real notion of talking with her. After all, what did I have to gain from it? Not much.

"Shit. First my bf breaks up with me, then my friends leave me one by one"

Well. That's a bit sudden. I... had no idea. That's my fault. It's so long ago, but I can't help but feel slightly responsible. Maybe protective. I thought after we moved on that she was happy with him. Even though I know I shouldn't, I keep talking to her. Talking through it, wondering how she's been, what's happened since we last talked, everything.

I mention a couple of things and fill in some details, but surprisingly she knew more about me than I had thought. Talking with her now... it's like way back then. Complete with flirting and all the rest of it.

I'd like to say that I'm more mature now. And I'd like to say that things have changed. But I'm not really sure. Deep down it still feels like I'm there for emotional support. Which in turn, makes me feel a bit guilty because I haven't been doing that out of jealousy.

Healthy

Trying to decide what I'm feeling.

It's honestly something that's on my mind probably more than it should be. Part of it might be that I'm also trying to articulate it as I go. Especially relevant as I can't decide if I'm grumpy or annoyed or have a genuine complaint about the new rotation I'm on.

For the next fortnight, I'm supposed to be attached to the rehabilitation ward (which is predominantly amputees, stroke and orthopedic patients). Unfortunately, I couldn't actually find a patient to talk with and it's... Well.

Back up a bit. What's wrong.

The morning was a debacle. I had no idea where I was supposed to be because of the rotation and one of the things I hate the most is not knowing what the rules are of anything. If you don't know the rules, you don't know how far you can stretch them. Which sounds counter intuitive but it's important to me.

Beyond that... I suppose that and my realisation that I could be doing so much more, learning so much more if I was at a different ward contributed to a final level of annoyance that caused me to just leave. At this point... I'm not sure if I care what the registrars think of my attendance.

Don't get me wrong, it's an important ward and an important job, but as a learning opportunity, it's... miserable at best, comparatively. My conclusion was more or less validated by the amount that I learned subsequently on a different ward. Maybe I'm just more comfortable elsewhere. Anywhere else.

Sometimes it's hard to tell if it's my depression or if it's just hunger or tiredness or distraction. Lately... I've had a lot on my mi- well. That's not true. There's always a lot on my mind, whether I like it or not. Assignments, personal relationships, my own health.

Who knows. Maybe I'll figure it out one day.